you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
