you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
