He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
