Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
