yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
