watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
