I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
