Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
