Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
