She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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