my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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