She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
