He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
