Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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