drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
