how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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