I could make wine with my vomit
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
