I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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