I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
