Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
