if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
