Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Someone shit on the floor
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
