proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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