Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
