Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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