her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
