I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
