I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
