my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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