What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
