god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
