I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
