okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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