No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
he was CRYING into my vagina
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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