So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
