chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
