She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
