my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
