so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
