in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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