i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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