i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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