Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
