I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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