I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
