Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
