Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
the day after is always just damage control
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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