I skipped work to stalk him.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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