That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
