I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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